Matsumoto's nightmare
by Writing bunny
Summary: Matsumoto had enough of her slave-driver captain. She wished she could have another one. But would that be better? Companion piece to Hitsugaya's nightmare.
1. Prologue

**Author's note:** Hello everybody. I wrote a new Bleach story. As I stated in the summary, it's companion piece to Hitsugaya's nightmare and it is written in similar style. Only it is longer and because I decided that 10k was too high wordcount for an oneshot, I divided it into chapters. Each of them describes one part of the nightmare and I will post a new chapter daily. I hope you'll enjoy it.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

Matsumoto Rangiku dragged herself into her room. Today had been hell. Her captain had been always a slavedriver, making her work when she needed her beauty sleep or sleep off a hangover, confiscating her sake, not caring how expensive brand it was, and shouting at her for no reason at all, but today, today he had turned into a monster.

So what if he got chewed by Yamamoto for not handing in his paperwork before the deadline? It wasn't her fault. Well, if she was completely honest, she had to admit she had been the one tasked with delivering it, and she thought he even told her to hurry, but she had spotted a sale on her favorite makeup on the way and surely nobody could expect her to resist that? And than she ran into Renji and Shuuhei and it would have been rude of her not to say hello to them. And the proper way of saying hello was over a cup of sake or two. She really had no idea what had happened to the stack of paperwork; she had no idea what had happened after they got kicked out of the second bar. But her taichou had acted like it was all her fault. Seriously, sometimes he was just so unfair.

He had made her redo all the paperwork she had lost, and it was such a huge pile. And he even had the gall to bind her to the desk, like she would try to escape. Well, she would, but the ninety-something level Bakudou was more than she could break out of. And than he raided her latest stash of sake and poured it down the drain in front of her eyes, taking great pleasure in the act. It was sacrilege in Matsumoto's eyes. Did he have no appreciation for the stuff? Why did she even have to ask, of course he didn't. He was just a little mean lump of ice with his overly-long zanpakutou stuffed up his rear. It was a wonder it didn't come out of his mouth. How could he ever understand the finer points of life?

So she had spent the day literally glued to the desk, fighting with the seemingly endless pile of documents, the little white-haired devil standing above her, scolding her whenever she slowed down. Didn't he know she had her limits? Her fingers were hurting, cramping even, but did he give a break? No. He barely let her go to the bathroom. He even had the guts to claim that she couldn't possibly have to take a leak so often. Well, she didn't, but she had to reapply her makeup or brush her hair every once a while. Did he have no idea how taxing was the task of keeping her long hair in order?

As a result, her eyeliner got smeared when she couldn't resist rubbing her eyes any longer and her hair got all tangled. She looked like a mess and did he have any sympathy? No. He just made her work harder. And to add insult to injury, many members of their division came to the office that day and saw her in that sorry state. She was sure she would never live down the humiliation. How was she supposed to face her underlings after they saw her shamed? She'd better not even go to work tomorrow to avoid their pointing and snickering.

She slammed the door close behind her, cursing her captain along the way. Why did he have to be such an ungrateful brat? Couldn't he appreciate all that she did for him? Like looking representative and, well, anything expect work?

_Damn him, _she thought. _I wish I had a different captain. Someone who could actually appreciate me._ With the thought, she collapsed on the floor and soon fell asleep due to exhaustion.


	2. Yamamoto

**Author's note:** Thanks to everybody who liked the story so far. As I promised, here comes the first part of the actual nightmare. Read and enjoy. And I'd appreciate if you bothered to review too.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

Matsumoto had to take a leak. It was slowly but surely becoming urgent. But she couldn't do it now. Not with the Soutaichou standing next to her, giving her orders for the day. At least, he had been giving her order before he had fallen asleep. There weren't many signs of it, he was still standing upright and his eyes were always closed, but he had stopped talking in the middle of a sentence and remained silent for ten minutes now, aside from the occasional snore. But there was no way to be sure. Last time he had done the same she had tried to sneak away and he had noticed it immediately and dressed her down so badly her ears were still ringing. So maybe he was just thinking of what he should say next?

She waited for five more minutes. When there was no change in the old man, she quietly took a step away.

"Where are you going, Matsumoto-fukutaichou?" Yamamoto's voice stopped her in her tracks. She suppressed a sigh. So he was awake after all. "I'm not finished yet. The fifteenth squad would patrol region 37 and the sixteenth will move to region 43. Send a message to the Second Division..." he fell silent again. Was he really asleep now? She almost didn't dare to hope. She waved her hand in front of his eyes experimentally. Nothing. Not even a twitch. She smiled. Maybe she could finally get to the bathroom and return before he noticed she had been gone. She began to inch away.

"...and bring me the report form the Fourth." Damn it! He was awake again. She almost didn't notice that he didn't say what she was supposed to tell the Second.

"Forgive me..." she began.

"Don't interrupt me, woman!" he barked. "As I said, the Fifteenth unit will deal with the disturbance in the Living World and the Sixteenth will act as their backup." Uh? Didn't he just send them to patrol the Rukongai earlier? She checked her notebook. Yes, he did.

"But sir..."

"No interruptions!" he bellowed, his reiatsu flaring. "So when the Fifteenth squad arrives to the Inuzuri district, they are to search it for possible Hollow activity. And then..." silence again. Could it be now? Could it finally be the time when she can take the leak in peace? Or was he going to wake up again the moment she turned away? It wasn't like she could ask him to let her visit the bathroom; he didn't even let her say that his orders weren't making sense. There was no way the Fifteenth unit could do everything he had assigned to them. She sighed. She would have to completely rework the day's orders again. Sometimes she didn't understand how the First Division could function with a senile commander, much less the whole Gotei 13.

"...and the Fifteenth unit will oversee the transport of supplies." Boy, did he really love the Fifteenth. "And the Sixteenth will unload..." Asleep again. Maybe now? She really, really had to go or she was in real danger of wetting herself. It had been nearly three hours since Yamamoto had began giving the orders. She sorely regretted not going before he had started, but the Soutaichou hated tardiness and she had been in danger of being late.

"_Maybe you should have forgone the makeup,"_ Haineko suggested.

"_No make-up?" _Matsumoto startled. _"Are you serious?"_

"_Of course not," _the zanpakutou spirit laughed. _"No make-up is much, much worse than a wet shihakushou."_

"_Shut up."_ The cat only laughed. Rangiku wanted to wring her neck. But it could wait. First she had to go to the bathroom. _Screw it, I'm going now._

She shunpoed out of the room. Or she tried to. Before she reached the door, and incredible wave of reiatsu slammed into her, crushing her to the ground and making her... _Oh no. Guess I don't have to worry about getting to the bathroom on time anymore._

"And where do you think you are going?" Yamamoto bellowed. She didn't answer. His spiritual pressure was crushing her. She couldn't even breathe. "Not only you can't stay silent while I give the daily orders, you are constantly trying to sneak away! What kind of sorry excuse of a fukutaichou are you?" He looked at her closely. "And you can't even breath on your own and you..." he scrunched his nose in disgust. "Get out of my sight and don't come back until you're presentable again. I'll decide your punishment later." Matsumoto nodded mutely. She was getting lightheaded from the lack of air. Yamamoto lowered his reiatsu and she was finally able to get to her feet. She raced through the corridors of the First, hoping that nobody would see her. And that Yamamoto would forget what happened. Maybe then she'd get away scot-free. Or maybe it would be even worse. With Yamamoto, there was no telling what his old brain would produce.


	3. SuiFeng

**Author's note:** Thanks everybody who bothered to fav or review this story. Because you were so good, here you have the next portion of the nightmare. Read and enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"What the hell are you dressed in?" Sui-Feng hissed angrily.

Matsumoto looked at herself. Her outfit was just as perfect as it usually was. She couldn't see anything wrong with it, so what was Sui-Feng's problem?

"My uniform," she replied.

"You call that your uniform?" the female captain scolded her. "It isn't according to regulations!"

"As a seated officer, I have the right to customize my uniform," the blond woman pointed out.

"In case you didn't notice it, this is the Stealth Force," Sui-Feng retorted. "Do you know what the word 'stealth' means or do you need a dictionary?"

"Of course I know," Matsumoto replied.

"Do you?" the dark-haired woman looked at her skeptically. "Then why do you wear that ridiculous pink scarf?"

"What's wrong with it?" Rangiku didn't understand. She loved her scarf very much.

"It shines like a beacon! Everybody can see it from a mile away."

"That's the point," the busty blonde replied. "I don't want anyone to miss my breasts."

"You really don't know what stealth means," the captain sighed in exasperation. "You are supposed to remain unseen!"

"Unseen?" the busty fukutaichou looked shocked. "But how would the men admire me if they won't be able to see me?"

"You aren't here to be admired by men, you are here to work," Sui-Feng informed her. "And so far you did nothing to convince me you are capable of doing it."

"I am," the blonde claimed.

"Convince me," Sui-Feng prompted her. "Do this pile of paperwork." Matsumoto looked the direction the captain pointed. Her eyes widened in shock. There were stacks of documents reaching the ceiling. There were so many of them that she couldn't see the wall behind them.

"That's... that's..." she stammered, unable to form a coherent sentence.

"Is something the problem?" Sui-Feng raised an eyebrow.

"That's impossible to do!" Matsumoto shouted.

"My previous fukutaichou used to say that too," Sui-Feng replied. "That's why so many of them piled up."

"I'm not really that good with paperwork," the blonde admitted.

"Aren't you?" the female captain pierced her with a cold stare. "That's what Oomaeda used to say too. And look what happened to him."

"What happened to him?" Matsumoto questioned. "I thought he was killed by a Hollow."

"That's the official version," the leader of Onmitsukidou explained. Matsumoto gulped. Did Sui-Feng really just admit that she killed her previous lieutenant for being lazy? Surely she must have misunderstood, but the smaller woman's icy eyes told her it was an unlikely possibility. Suddenly she felt bad about her new assignment.

"I'll get to the paperwork right away," she said.

"Good."

Rangiku picked a stack of documents from the top of one of the piles, but it upset its precarious balance. The pile toppled and in a domino effect took the others with it. Within seconds the office was covered in paper.

"I see you really aren't good with paperwork," Sui-Feng observed. "How are you with shunpo?"

"Pretty good," the blonde replied, wondering what the captain meant by that. The tone of her voice sent shivers through her spine.

"Let's test it out," Sui-Feng suggested. "You'll run and I will chase you. And if I catch you," her face widened into a sinister grin and her right hand grasped the hilt of her zanpakutou. "Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi."


	4. Ichimaru

**Author's note:** Thanks to everybody who read and reviewed the story. Here comes the chapter that was the hardest to write. I hope you'll enjoz it.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

Matsumoto sighed in frustration. Just where did Gin disappear to today? She was used to his quirks after all the time she had spent in his company, but his disappearing acts never stopped to irk her. Especially because he seemed to be pulling them more and more often lately. Especially when he was needed. And he had to pull one today of all days, the day the paperwork was supposed to be due. And most of the paperwork had to be signed by the captain and it still wasn't, thanks to Ichimaru's habit of leaving everything at the last possible moment. She couldn't begrudge him for it, she hated paperwork even more than he did, but whenever he decided to disappear on the day the paperwork was due, it inevitably led to situations like this.

"Matsumoto-fukutaichou!" one of the lower seated officers ran to her.

"What is it, Kanou?" she asked a bit more sharply than the situation warranted, but her patience was running low. He was the fifteenth person to approach her with some urgent matter today.

"I need Captain Ichimaru to sign this request. Do you know where I can find him?"

"No," she admitted.

"That's bad, I really need him to sign it today," the man grimaced.

"Do you see the stack of forms in my arms?"

"Yes."

"Well, all of them need to be signed by Ichimaru-taichou today and they are really important. And coincidentally, they are all forms people handed to me today. I'll try to make him sign them whenever I find him."

"Can you give him mine as well?" the man asked hopefully. "This one is really important. The dojo is running out of bokken and..."

"I get it," she interrupted him. "Just put it on top. It makes no difference. My arms won't fall off."

"Thank you," Kanou smiled brightly, placing the form on top of the others before he left. Matsumoto sighed. Her load of unsigned documents just got heavier and Gin was still nowhere to be found. And she had checked everywhere. His home. His office. His favorite training grounds. His favorite persimmon grove. His favorite bars. The Fifth Division. And still nothing. No-one she asked had seen the silver-haired man today. And it was already afternoon.

Just then a Hell Butterfly flew to her, refusing to leave. She sighed. She had to take the message. She lifted one finger, careful not to drop her cargo, and allowed the creature to land on it. Then she had to listen to the slightly unfriendly voice of Sasakibe-fukutaichou reminding her that they were supposed to hand in the paperwork today before evening and she'd better make sure it was handed in on time, not like the last time or the one before that. She wanted to shout at the man that it wasn't her fault, but it would help nothing. People needed somebody to blame and when Gin wasn't around, she was their substitute target. It sucked, but she couldn't do anything about it. _Where are you, Gin? _She wondered. _The moment you'll come back, I'm going to strangle you._

Disheartened, she returned to the office. She didn't feel like dragging all the paperwork with her anymore. And as soon as she walked through the door, she noticed the figure sitting behind the desk.

"Ran-chan!" Ichimaru greeted her with his usual foxy grin firmly in place. "Where 'ave ya been? The office is awf'lly lonely 'ithout ya."

"Where have I been?" she repeated incredulously. "Where have you been? I've been looking for you since the morning."

"But I've been 'ere, Ran-chan."

"No, you weren't," she shook her head. "I looked several times and you weren't here."

"I must 'ave gone to lunch at the moment and ya must 'ave just missed me," Ichimaru explained.

"Do you honestly expect me to believe this?" she scowled. "If you were here all day, then explain why is your haori all wrinkled. And what are those stains?"

"What stains?" he asked innocently.

"Those," she pointed. "They look like blood."

"I must 'ave spilled my tea," Ichimaru shrugged.

"That doesn't look like tea," Rangiku replied skeptically.

"Does it matter, Ran-chan? I'm 'ere and our work is finished."

"It doesn't look finished to me," she disagreed and dropped her pile of paperwork in front of him. His ever-present smile faltered slightly at the sight of more work. "This is what you have to sign before evening. So you should better start now."

"Why?" he complained. "There's plenty of time left." His carefree answer pissed her off. She wasn't usually the responsible type, but after a whole day of being bugged by everybody, she wanted to bug someone else for a change. And Gin, the source of her irritation, presented a perfect target.

"Do it now. I have enough of getting scolded for your slacking."

"Aren't ya usually being scolded for your own slacking?" He cocked his head sideways.

"Well, yes," she had to admit. "And I really don't need any more scolding."

"'m sorry, Ran-chan," he smiled a bit warmly. "I'll do it now. Just bring me some tea, will ya?"

"Of course, Gin," she smiled, relieved that the paperwork disaster had been prevented. She walked into the kitchen, preparing a cup of tea. When she returned, she found the office empty and the stack of forms untouched.

"GIN!"


	5. Unohana

**Author's note:** Fir everybody who complained: Sorry about the delay. I can't really promise it won't happen again, but this story will be coming at least every other day.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

Matsumoto was filling paperwork like her life depended on it. Usually she would take the first opportunity to escape, but this time she had the sinking feeling that her life really depended on it. It wasn't like Unohana had threatened her, no, the master healer was far above such things, but she had looked at her in such a way and _smiled _like only she could and Rangiku found herself agreeing to do the mountainload of paperwork accumulated in the Fourth Division office without even knowing why. Of course, it took her about five minutes before she began considering simply ditching her work, but the mere memory of Unohana-taichou made her abandon such thoughts and work harder. If somebody asked her, she wouldn't be able to explain why.

She worked even as her hand cramped, fearfully looking at the wall clock, fearing the moment the captain would come back. What if she wouldn't be finished by then? Unohana might _smile _at her again. The mere thought sent shivers down her spine. Finally, just as she was finishing the last document, the door slid open.

"Are you finished, Rangiku?" the woman asked in her usual quiet, sweet voice.

"Yes," the blonde nodded slamming a stamp on the paper.

"Good work," Unohana smiled. Fortunately this wasn't a _smile, _just a regular smile. It made Matsumoto beam with pride. She didn't even know why. She didn't usually react to praise like an attention-starved three-year-old. "Now please come with me," the taichou continued, "it is the time to inspect the Relief Station."

"Yes, captain," the lieutenant nodded and fell into step behind the shorter woman. They didn't inspect the hospital for long, in fact, they just entered the second room, when they found a problem.

"Those beds aren't made," Unohana stated.

"I'm sorry, Unohana-taichou," a tired-looking middle-aged nurse bowed in apology. "We had to clean up after that Eleventh Division members and we had no time to make the beds. I'll get to it right away."

"That won't be necessary, Inose-san," the captain spoke. "I see you are tired. You deserve your rest. We'll help you. Rangiku, make the beds."

"Eh? Do I look like a nurse?" the blonde blinked.

"Please help the poor woman, Matsumoto-fukutaichou," Unohana repeated in her quiet, pleasant voice. "Isn't it the duty of a superior officer to help her underlings?"

"It is," the lieutenant agreed despite not being convinced about the veracity of the statement. But there was no way she would disagree with Unohana. That was one thing that just wasn't done. She made the beds. And then remade them because she was no expert on making beds and the captain was dissatisfied with her first attempt. Her second try was deemed good enough and they could move on to the next room.

It had dirty floors and a tired and dishelved nurse was explaining that she couldn't sweep the floors because the Eleventh Division members were bullying her.

"Sweep the floor, Rangiku," Unohana commanded with a smile and Matsumoto obeyed without complaining. And then they proceeded to the next room.

"Bring the patient a new glass of water."

"Help feed the patient."

"Wash the bedpans." At this, Matsumoto tried to protest and point out that the captain didn't do anything yet, but Unohana _smiled_ and her objections died in her throat. And so it went on.

"Bathe the patient."

"Wash the dishes."

"Change the diapers."

By the end of the day, Matsumoto thought her arms were going to fall off. And that she won't feel clean ever again. Finally, finally the inspection was over.

"Thank you for your help today, Rangiku. You were so kind to be of assistance." The blonde wanted to strangle the captain, but didn't dare. "And now, if you could write the reports on the inspection, _please_..."


	6. Aizen

**Author's note:** Once again, thanks everybody who faved or reviewed this fic. Here I present you the nightmare about Aizen. I hope you'll like it.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

"Do you know where did I put my glasses?" Aizen asked, feeling his way along his desk.

"I think they might be in the top drawer," Matsumoto suggested. Aizen's hand reached under the desk, moving back and forth for a while.

"And where's the drawer?" he asked with a hint of embarrassment in his voice. Matsumoto sighed and walked over to him.

"Here," she said and opened the drawer in question. She leaned over it to search its contents. It was full of writing utensils, but no glasses there.

"Any luck?" Aizen asked, leaning over the drawer too. As he did so, one of his hands grasped Matsumoto's buttock. The woman moved away.

"Captain Aizen!" she exclaimed scandalized.

"Sorry, Matsumoto-fukutaichou," the visually challenged man apologized. "I thought it was the arm rest on my chair."

"Nothing happened," the busty woman replied.

"And I still don't have my glasses," Aizen sighed. "Oh, what's that?" He made a grab for Matsumoto's necklace, but missed and ended up grabbing one of her boobs instead.

"That's my breast," she answered unamused.

"Oh sorry, I meant that," the captain moved his hand to her necklace.

"That's my necklace," she told him coldly.

"Really?" he questioned. "But the ring looks just like my glasses."

"Your glasses are rectangular," Rangiku reminded him. "And how would your glasses end up on my neck?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "Anything's possible."

"And why are you still feeling me up?"

"Oh, sorry," Aizen smiled apologetically, but was a bit slow in retracting his hand from her bosom. Matsumoto scowled. "Would you please help me search for my glasses?"

"Well, since you asked so nicely..." she shrugged. There was no point in refusing. She could tell an order when she heard one, no matter how it was worded.

The search went exactly like she suspected it would. Aizen touched every surface in the room, supposedly in an attempt to locate his missing glasses, but all too often his hands landed on some part of Matsumoto's anatomy, usually her butt or boobs. And the stupid glasses were still nowhere to be found. Finally the blonde couldn't stand it anymore.

"Look where you put that hand!" she yelled, smacking the offending appendage away from her cleavage.

"I'm sorry, but I can't look where I put my hand," Aizen replied. "In case you have forgotten, I have misplaced my glasses."

"Oh, quit the crap," she scowled. "There's no way your eyesight is really that bad. The lenses are almost flat, so you should at worst see a bit blurry. Yet you keep grabbing me and coming up with stupid excuses. I think you can see just well, you pervert."

"You wound me, Matsumoto-fukutaichou," the Fifth Division captain said with hurt in his voice. "How can you think that of me? And for your information, my eyesight is actually very bad. There is a kidou on the lenses to curve the light coming through. It works only one way, so my eyes don't look deformed to other people."

"Really?" she asked skeptically. "I've never heard about such a spell."

"I developed it myself," he explained. "It's rather complicated. It took me many tries and many destroyed glasses before I managed to cast it right. And now I lost them. If I don't find them soon, I'll have to make new ones and it can take days, weeks even before I succeed. I'm afraid you'll have to do all the paperwork in the meantime. I'm sorry, I know how much you hate it, but it's necessary. For the division. For me." He smiled his best warm smile.

"Don't worry, Aizen-taichou," she said, nearly panicking. The thought of doing all the paperwork could do that to her. "I'm sure we'll find your glasses. Couldn't you have left them somewhere else?"

"That's impossible," he shook his head. "I would have trouble getting here if that was the case."

"Oh."

"It's alright," he smiled gently. "Let's resume our search. What's this?"

"My butt!" she shrieked. Half-blind on not, she was still convinced he was doing it on purpose.

"Sorry," he smiled sheepishly.

As Matsumoto was going through his drawers once again, Aizen watched her perfectly shaped backside and smiled. His beautiful fukutaichou was so easy to manipulate. Too bad that Gin tended to get annoyed whenever he overdid it. He wondered how long he could keep this going before he'd have to pull the glasses from his sleeve. He decided that he could keep it on for a little longer and grabbed Matsumoto's butt again.


	7. Kuchiki

**Author's note:** Thanks to everybody who reviewed. Round 6 of Matsumoto-torture is coming.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

"You call this finished paperwork, Matsumoto-fukutaichou?" Kuchiki Byakuya asked in his best icy tone. It wasn't much different from his usual tone, but for those who had known him for a long time, the difference was obvious.

"Yes," she nodded. "I filled everything you told me to." It had been a pain and she had to enlist the help of their Third Seat, but she managed. She didn't want to face the consequences if she didn't. Kuchiki-taichou was just too intimidating.

He looked at the stack of documents and his face morphed into a near-scowl, indicating his annoyance. "And you call that properly filled paperwork?"

"Yes," she nodded, not understanding where was he headed. But judging from his tone, she wasn't going to like it.

"I don't call it properly filled paperwork," he announced.

"Why not?" she questioned.

"For once, your handwriting is horrible," he began his explanation. "The characters are barely recognizable and here is a clearly wrong kanji. Or did you really want to write that you washed the Hollow?"

"No," she shook her head.

"That's what I thought," he nodded. "Maybe you should join the Calligraphy Society, Matsumoto-fukutaichou. You would certainly benefit from it. And so would everybody who has to read your reports."

"I'll think about it," she thought when in fact she thought 'No way in Hell.' She wasn't going to spend any more time in the company of her anally retentive captain than she absolutely had to.

"Please, do so," he replied in a tone letting her know it was an order. "Now, the second problem. Do you remember when you were supposed to hand these documents in?"

"Today," she answered. She was sure she got it right, so what was his problem?

"And when today?" he inquired.

"Just today," she shrugged. She couldn't remember any other commands.

"You were supposed to hand them in by 10 AM," he informed her.

"I was?" she blinked. Honestly, that was the first time she heard about it.

"Yes, you were," he confirmed gravely. "And what is the time now?" Matsumoto looked around for a clock. "Its 2 PM," Byakuya informed her, when she didn't answer.

"Already?" she startled. "I was supposed to meet Hisagi and Renji at three, I should go and prepare." She moved for the door.

"You aren't going anywhere," Kuchiki-taichou said. His voice made her stop in her tracks. "You come late every day and you try to leave early. I won't suffer it."

"But..."

"No buts. You're staying here until I say you can go and that's final."

"But..."

"I said no buts. I've had it with your tardiness. What do you even do every morning that it takes you so long? Not only you come late to the office, you also come late to the fukutaichou meetings, squad training and just about everything."

"I can't help it taichou," she tried to apologize. "I have to take care of my hair. It takes a long time to keep it pristine. You should know."

"Though I know that maintaining perfect hair is time-consuming, I can still get here on time every day. Your excuse is not valid."

"But you have the best hairdressers to care for your hair," Matsumoto whined. "I have to do it all myself."

"That isn't my problem," he stated. "You will be coming on time from now on."

"But taichou!" Rangiku protested. "Do you want me to come to the office looking like a mess? That would reflect badly on the whole division!"

"No. I expect you to be able to take care of your hair and still come on time."

"But that's impossible!" she protested. "Do you have any idea how long it takes to brush such long hair?"

"No, and I'm not interested in your answer."

"But I simply cannot maintain my perfect long hair and still come on time," she pointed out.

"If it is so, there is only one solution," Byakuya stated. "Scatter, Senbonzakura."

"What are you..." Rangiku asked panicking. Kuchiki-taichou didn't answer. He simply moved the hilt and Matsumoto felt a weight being lifted from her shoulders. Literally. When she looked down, she saw the cut locks of her beautiful hair falling to the ground.

"Taichou..." she whispered, heartbroken.

"Well, now the main distraction is taken care of, get to your work. Or do you want me to do something about the state of your uniform too?"


	8. Komamura

**Author's note:** So we're beginning the second half of the story. Thanks for everybody who bore with me that long. On a more positive note, some of your more creative reviews prompted me to write more ideas I didn't use in the original story, so after its end, there will be some extras coming. And if you leave a creative reviews, there might be more of them.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

Matsumoto sighed as she brushed the dog hairs off her shihakushou. "Where do these come from?" she muttered in annoyance. She worked so hard to maintain her tidy, pretty appearance, and those little annoyances always appeared out of nowhere to ruin her efforts. Seriously, where were they coming from? They didn't have a single dog in the whole division. She was convinced that somebody must be smuggling them in and planting them around the captain's office just to annoy her. But all her attempts to catch the culprit ended in vain. No matter what she did, she couldn't find a single clue to his or her identity. And it shouldn't have been hard. The culprit must own a dog. And because she couldn't help but notice that all the hairs came from the same animal, it must be a very large dog, and an unusually colored one to boot. Yet there was no sign of any such animal in the whole Soul Society. It frustrated her to no end.

"Did you finish the paperwork, Matsumoto-fukutaichou?" Komamura's voice sounded like it was coming from a can. Well, it was coming from a can. She glanced at his helmet, trying to gauge what kind of mood her superior was in. She failed, as usual. The helmet didn't allow her to see his face and even his voice was changed enough for the subtle nuances to be lost. It was another thing that frustrated her to no end. She never knew when she was treading on dangerous territory with him until he informed her she was in trouble.

"Yes, I did." She preferred not being in trouble with the giant captain, no matter how much work did it mean. There was something about him that reminded her of a wild beast. It was unnerving. She knew it was probably only her overactive imagination, but too often when she looked at him, she was reminded of a predator ready to pounce. And she really didn't want to become its prey.

She shook her head. She was just being stupid. There was no way her captain was some kind of monster in disguise. He was perfectly human under that helmet of his. Now if he only removed it once in a while, so she could see it with her own eyes. In all the time she had served under him she had never once seen his face. And that was another thing that irked her.

"If everything is in order, than let's go and inspect the division," Komamura spoke.

"Yes, captain," she answered and they left the room. As they walked around the division grounds, she couldn't help but notice that Komamura paid extra attention to all the corners, especially the area close to the ground. And it was no freak occurrence; he tended to do it every time he walked somewhere. Sometimes he nearly arrived late because he was too absorbed in examining some corner. And when she asked him why he was doing it, he answered that he 'had to check it out.' She shook her head. Like that explained anything. But she knew her captain well enough to know that when he didn't want to answer a question, then he wouldn't and trying to force him was futile.

Then the captain suddenly stopped, his helmet turned sideways, as if he was looking at something intently. She followed his line of sight and noticed a group of unseated shinigami from their division, who had the distinctive air of 'guilty' around them. Komamura headed to them briskly, Matsumoto following at his heels. She only hoped they wouldn't try to throw away whatever contraband they had smuggled into the division barracks. Last time it happened, the captain jumped after the item, trying to catch it between his teeth mid flight, which didn't work well considering he was wearing his helmet at the time. She didn't want to witness such embarrassment ever again.

The group of shinigami noticed them and straightened up, one of them hiding something behind her back.

"Good morning, captain," they greeted.

"What do you have here?" he asked without a greeting.

"Nothing," the woman with her hands behind her back said.

"Really?" Matsumoto could just hear the raised eyebrow, even if she couldn't see it. "Then why are your hands behind your back?"

"That's because..." Before she could finish, there was a hissing sound, the woman grimaced in pain and the thing she had been hiding landed on the ground behind her. It turned out to be a cat.

"You know that pets aren't allowed in the barracks?" Matsumoto asked rhetorically, but nobody paid her any attention. The cat hissed again and then took off running. Komamura chased after it, oblivious to the fact that he knocked the group of unseated shinigami to the ground as he ran through them. The cat raced to the closest tree and climbed it, perched on the highest branch and hissing at its pursuer. Captain Komamura sat under the tree, looking up and growling.

"Why is he so mad at my poor Snuggles?" the woman asked.

"What does it look like?" Matsumoto shrugged. In fact, she had no clue herself, but she wasn't about to admit it in front of her subordinates.

"How can we save my poor kitten?" the cat owner inquired.

"Well, there is one thing that can always distract Komamura-taichou," the Lieutenant replied. She had discovered the method by accident and used it only in the direst of circumstances. The masked captain tended to get angry afterwards.

"What is it?" the woman asked eagerly.

"Throw him a bone."

"Throw him a bone?" the woman repeated disbelievingly. "And that works?"

"Yes," Matsumoto confirmed.

"Why?"

"I don't know," the fukutaichou shrugged. "And I think I'm better off not knowing."


	9. Kyouraku

**Author's note:** Thanks to everybody who read and reviewed the story so far. Here comes the nightmare about Kyouraku. What is so terrible about the captain who is the most like Matsumoro?

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"Damn it, where can it be?" Matsumoto muttered, searching through the office. "I'm sure I put it somewhere here, but it isn't here anymore." She pushed aside another pile of long-overdue paperwork, making dust motes fly all over the room, and opened the drawers hidden behind it. Nothing. "Not here too? Well, there is still one more place." She navigated expertly between the piles of years-overdue requests and reports until she reached her last hidden stash of sake. She pushed away all the old, wrinkled, stained, torn and faded documents concealing it and opened it, her mouth already watering at the thought of the heavenly liquid. And stood still in shock. Empty? Even the last hiding spot was empty? There wasn't a single drop of sake in the whole office? And just when she really needed a drink. It was a thought too terrible to bear sober. She needed a drink to do so. But she didn't have any. She began crying.

She had no idea how long did she spend sitting there, bawling her eyes out, when the door opened and her captain stumbled in. She ignored the familiar sounds of piles of papers being knocked over, the sheets yellowed with decades or even centuries in the sun scattering all over the floor. She'll just make their Third Seat pile it up again. Or maybe she'll tell him to just throw it out. There was no chance that somebody would actually fill it in, and even if somebody did, it was so long overdue, that there would be no point. It would just needlessly confuse the bureaucracy at the First Division. And they shouldn't bother their fellow shinigami with needless tasks, should they?

"Rangiku-chan!" Kyouraku's slightly slurred voice called. So he was drunk again. No surprise. It was his default state. She'd be spooked if he showed up sober. "Rangiku-chan, what's wrong? Who made my precious flower cry? Tell me and I'll make him pay!"

"My sake is all gone!" she exclaimed. "Oh, taichou, it's terrible. I need a drink and there isn't a single drop of alcohol in the whole office."

"Oh my," Shunsui commiserated, trying to grope her, "that's terrible. Who could have done something so hideous to such a beautiful flower? But don't despair, have a drink of mine," he offered, sticking a sake bottle in front of her face. A very familiar sake bottle.

"Captain," Matsumoto said slowly, "was it you who took all my sake?"

"Your sake?" he looked genuinely confused. "What do you mean? It's mine."

"No, it's mine," she insisted. "It's even signed. Do you see here? It clearly says 'Matsumoto's bottle.' So don't tell me you didn't know it was mine."

Kyouraku lifted the bottle to his face and squinted it. "Well, I'll be damned, there's really something written there," he said with genuine surprise in his voice. Matsumoto sighed. She could never tell when her captain was being sincere and when he was acting. But this time, she was fairly sure that his confusion was just an act.

"Don't play dumb with me," she said angrily. "You knew the bottle was mine. So why did you drink it?"

"I really didn't know," the pink-clad man insisted. "It was sitting around in my office so I thought it was mine. I didn't read what was on the bottle."

"It wasn't just sitting around!" she snapped. "It was in my secret stash in the secret space under the desk buried under paperwork! There's no way you could just stumble over it!"

"I'm sorry, Rangiku-chan, but I couldn't help it. I really needed a drink," he apologized tearfully, trying to bury his head in her bosom. She batted him away with more strength than necessary. She was in no mood for his antics, she needed a drink and soon. And Kyouraku just downed the last gulp from her precious bottle.

"And why did you need a drink so badly you took all my ten bottles?" she demanded.

"Yama-jii was angry at me," he explained.

"So?" she raised an eyebrow.

"He was really angry that we didn't submit our paperwork," Kyouraku elaborated. "Again."

"You really should drink less and do your work more," Matsumoto advised.

"I can't help it," Shunsui cried. "I drink because I'm so unhappy my beautiful flower doesn't want me," he explained trying to hug her. She kicked him away.

"Your beautiful flower doesn't like drunkards!" she informed him.

"That's too bad. I need a drink," Kyouraku announced, trying to take a gulp from the bottle, only to realize that it was already empty. "Even sake doesn't want me," he cried. "Come here, my beautiful Rangiku-chan and comfort me."

She ignored him, walking out of the room, careful not to slip on the scattered papers. She had to hit a bar if she wanted to get a drink today. After dealing with her taichou, she really, really needed it.


	10. Tousen

**Author's note:** Thanks to all my faithful readers. Here comes one of my favorite subjects of mockery - Captain Tousen.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

"Do you know the Path of Justice, Matsumoto-fukutaichou?" Captain Tousen asked gravely.

"Yes," she answered mindlessly. She didn't really know what it was about, but she feared that if she had said no, the blind captain would consider it his duty to enlighten her, and if there was something Rangiku couldn't stand, it were long, boring lectures.

He turned his face to her, his white eyes boring into her. It was unnerving.

"Then tell me: what does the Path of Justice say about sin?"

"Sin? What sin?" Matsumoto blinked in confusion.

"Sin! What other sin is there?" Tousen answered like it explained everything.

"Ah, of course, sin," Rangiku replied. She had no idea what he was talking about, but she was good at pretending. "Sin is bad." There. That couldn't be wrong.

"Of course it is," the dark-skinned captain agreed. "And if you know that, can you explain to me why are you wearing such sinful attire?"

Ah, so that's the kind of sin he was talking about. Only someone as old-fashioned and straight-laced as him could still call it sin nowadays.

"What's wrong with my clothes? Nobody ever complained," Matsumoto asked innocently.

"It's sinful," Tousen stated. "It's against the Path of Justice for a woman to go around so indecently exposed."

"I'm not indecent," Rangiku replied. "Who is the jealous bitch who complained?"

"Matsumoto-fukutaichou!" he scolded her. "Watch your language! Using such words is against the Path of Justice! And throwing around such accusation is against the Path of Justice too!"

"I'm terribly sorry," Matsumoto said seeing how worked-up Tousen-taichou got over it. Of course she wasn't sorry a bit, but she was a good actress.

"You're forgiven, this time," Tousen said.

"And now: who did complain about my clothes?" the woman inquired.

"Nobody," the captain replied.

"Ah, so it's confidential?" she asked.

"No. Nobody complained," the captain repeated.

"Then why do you care what am I wearing?" Rangiku questioned.

"It's against the Path of Justice," Kaname stated.

"The Path of Justice, of course," Matsumoto said rolling her eyes. "So who bragged about what he could see and you couldn't?"

"Nobody," he replied. "Bragging is against the Path of Justice."

"Really?" she asked skeptically.

"Really," he confirmed with conviction.

"Then how do you know?" she questioned.

"I do."

"But how?" she wanted to know. "It's not like you can see it, you're blind."

"This eyes can see only the path of least bloodshed," Tousen answered.

"What does it have to do with anything?" Matsumoto blinked in confusion. She was used to strange comments from her captain, but this one made absolutely no sense.

"Sinful attire leads to sin," he explained in a lecturing voice. "Sin leads to crime. And crime leads to bloodshed." Matsumoto tried to make sense of this for a moment. She could come up with only one conclusion.

"You need to get laid." Judging from Tousen's expression, she really shouldn't have said that.

"Sin is against Justice!" he shouted.

"I am sorry, captain Tousen," she replied.

"Sorry doesn't cut it. Every offense has to be punished. Such is the Path of Justice." Now Matsumoto was getting worried. Tousen sounded like he really meant it.

"I am very sorry, captain Tousen," she said bowing down. She knew that this movement would make her shihakusho open a bit wider, giving the man standing in front of here a better view. That is, if he could see it. Which he supposedly couldn't, but she wasn't so sure about it. "I'll do anything to make it up for you," she added in her best suggestive, but not too suggestive voice.

"Don't tempt me with your sinful ways!" he shouted. Matsumoto could hear his breath quickening. She smirked viciously.

"Ha! I knew it!" she exclaimed triumphantly. "You can see perfectly well! What would everybody say if I told them you're only playing at being blind?"

"I told you, spreading false accusation is against Justice! I must punish you now! Cry, Suzumushi!"


	11. Zaraki

**Author's note:** Thanks to all my faithful readers. As a reward, here I present the nightmare about Kenpachi.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

"Come and play with me, Booby-chan!" Yachiru called landing on her shoulders. Matsumoto sighed. She had almost finished brushing her hair, and the little pink menace had to come and completely ruin her hard work.

"Not now," she said.

"Now," Yachiru insisted.

"No," Matsumoto insisted.

"Yes," the girl growled, pulling on her hair.

"Ouch! Let go!" Matsumoto screamed.

"Play with me."

"No." Yachiru pulled again, harder. It hurt. Matsumoto was convinced that the little pink devil had to pull out a fistful of her hair.

"I'll play with you!" she shouted. She feared that refusal would mean that she'd end up as bald as Ikkaku. Thinking of whom, why was he bald? She shuddered, deciding that she shouldn't dwell on the subject any longer. It gave her too many scary mental images.

"Yay!" the girl squealed. "Let's go!" Matsumoto obediently began walking. As she walked through the 11th Division courtyard, everybody stared. If it was because of the position she found herself in, or because she was the only grown-up woman there, didn't matter. It was more staring than she could bear, and her tolerance was very high.

"Faster!" her passenger commanded. Matsumoto sped up obligingly. She wanted to be away from the staring guys. If she lingered too long, she might even run into Captain Zaraki and he'd want to have a spar with her. And Matsumoto hated that. She was always sore and covered in unsightly bruises afterwards, if she didn't outright end up in the care of the Fourth Division, another experience she could do without. "Faster!" the little girl demanded. Matsumoto sped up again. "Faster!" Yachiru repeated the command until Matsumoto couldn't go any faster. Then she proceeded to give her directions. They ran around the whole of Seireitei before the pinkette got tired and allowed her to return to the Eleventh. There Matsumoto dropped her burden and tried to get into her room before anyone could notice her looking sweaty, dirty, hair in a mess and completely exhausted.

"You look a mess, Matsumoto-fukutaichou. You'll have to take better care of yourself if you want to look as beautiful as I." Oh no. Somebody did see her. And it had to be the person she wanted to see the least. Well, except Kenpachi.

"I'm not in the mood today, Ayasegawa," she snapped. "That little pink monster made me run around Seireitei and nearly pulled out all my hair. I'm looking for any excuse to take my frustration out on someone."

"So you can't handle little Yachiru?" Madarame asked.

"You nearly ended up bald? That would be terrible," Yumichika said.

"Hey, what's wrong with being bald?" Ikkaku took offense.

"You mean beside it not being beautiful?" Matsumoto used the opportunity to slip away. She got almost to her quarters, when a sudden wave of reiatsu made her stop in her tracks. Oh no, she thought, _He _had just found her. She briefly considered running for it, but _he _was too fast for her.

"Here you are," Zaraki grinned, his bells jingling ominously. "I've been looking for a spar."

"But..." Rangiku wanted to say that she looked terrible and couldn't she take some time to comb her hair? And she was tired too. But Kenpachi didn't want to hear it. He wanted a fight and he won't be denied. He drew his rusty sword and charged at Matsumoto, a maniacal grin on his face. She barely managed to block. Her arms reeled from the impact. Haineko howled in her mind, complaining that at this rate, Zaraki was going to break her. Again. And Kenpachi was already attacking again. She sighed and attempted a counterattack (unsuccessfully). She was in for a world of pain and there wasn't a single thing she could do about it. She really hated the Eleventh Division.

**End notes:** Sorry, Kenpachi needed some help. Otherwise this would be one paragraph. And before you ask what was Yachiru doing there, can you imagine Zaraki without her?


	12. Kurotsuchi

**Author's note:** Thanks to all my readers and reviewers. I probably won't be able to post the next chapter tomorrow, so expect the nightmare about Ukitake on Friday. That said, here's the next chapter. Enjoy the story.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

"Matsumoto! Where are you, you lazy skank?" Kurotsuchi's voice was one of the most grating sounds in the world even if he was happy, which he now most definitely wasn't. Rangiku sprinted towards him. Though it was the last place she wanted to be at right now, she knew that any delay would make it only worse. Kurotsuchi Mayuri was many things, but patient wasn't one of them.

"I'm here," she announced upon arrival. The next instant a hand struck her cheek, knocking her to the ground.

"Don't speak when I didn't allow you, stupid wench," the clown-faced captain chastised her. "Now give me the reports."

"Reports?" Matsumoto wracked her brain to remember what reports he was talking about. Before she could remember, she received a kick to her solar plexus.

"The reports on experiment 94521-22a, you good-for-nothing slut," the clown-faced captain yelled. "Now get up and get them!"

She scrambled to her feet, trying to ignore the pain in her stomach. Kurotsuchi kicked hard. She ran to the office and looked for the documentation in question. It took her too long to find. And that made her anxious. She knew that every second made her upcoming punishment worse. And it tended to be pretty bad even in its mildest forms. Ah, there was it. She grabbed the stack of papers and ran back.

"Finally, you lazy dolt," Kurotsuchi greeted her, taking the papers. "I think I should modify your legs, so you won't so slow anymore." She sighed in relief. At least he didn't slap her again. Then the captain slapped her again.

"What is this, you useless simpleton?" he screeched.

"The papers you asked for, taichou," she answered. He punched her.

"No, those aren't the papers I asked for. I asked for the documentation on the experiment 94521-22a, you brought me the documentation for the experiment 94621-22a. Can't you read? Or do I have to enhance your brain, because your current one isn't able to remember something so simple?"

Matsumoto didn't wait for him to actually do it and shunpoed into the office to look for the correct folder. Eventually she located it, and this time she was sure she had the right one, and returned to the impatiently waiting captain. He grabbed the documents with a grunt and looked through them.

"At least you got it right on the second try," he muttered. "Now we can begin the testing."

"Yes, taichou," she said with relief.

"Don't speak without permission," he scolded her. She nodded. Kurotsuchi spent a minute looking through the papers, comparing it with the contents of the vials lined on the shelf, and then picked one of the vials. He handed it to Matsumoto and said: "Drink it."

"Why?" the blond fukutaichou asked. Even if the liquid didn't look totally disgusting, she was too wary to ingest anything that came anywhere near the 12th Division captain. Everyone with a shred of common sense was.

"Because I have to test it, idiot."

"Why me?" she questioned. "Can't you test it on the new recruits?"

"No," the mad scientist replied, "I have to test how it works on big-breasted people."

"Testing something on big-breasted people?" Matsumoto wondered. "I've never heard about anything like that before."

"That's because you're such an ignoramus," he informed her. "Now drink it."

"I'm sure there must be some big-breasted recruits," Rangiku tried to talk her way out.

"No, there aren't. And now drink it, or I'm going to force-feed it to you."

"But there must be someone else..." the lieutenant tried, now on the verge of panic.

"Rip, Ashisogi Jizou." A quick stab to her neck left Matsumoto immobilized before she realized what was going on. Kurotsuchi then poured the vial's contents into her mouth, all the time grinning maniacally. "There, now. Wouldn't it have been easier if you drank it outright? Though now it will be easier to observe as it takes effect." And then he began strapping the poor woman to some machine, leaving her to wonder what she was going to turn into. And what was going to happen to her precious breasts.


	13. Ukitake

**Author's note:** So, after two weeks, here comes the last nightmare. Don't despair though, there is still the epilogue coming and after that some bonus material. Thanks to Real Life interferring, it probablz would come out a bit late.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

"Here is the finished paperwork," Matsumoto announced with a smile.

"Thank you," Ukitake replied. "It's good that you got it done so soon. I'm not feeling good enough to do it myself." The sickly captain took the offered stack of documents and quickly looked through it. His first impression was that it was filled in two different handwritings. Two very familiar handwritings. He immediately recognized them as belonging to Kiyone and Sentarou, his two loyal Third Seats. So she had pushed her work on them again. It was typical of her, but at least she got the work done. And it also occupied the two competitive shinigami for a long time, so they couldn't cause any trouble.

"It's my pleasure to serve," the buxom woman smiled.

"You did a splendid job," Ukitake continued. "You deserve a reward." He reached into his sleeve and pulled out a bag of candy, which he promptly showed into Matsumoto's arms. Before the startled woman could say anything, he took out another one and added it to the first. And then he reached for yet another.

"Thank you, taichou, but..."

"Don't you like them? I have more kinds of candy here," he said taking out yet another bag from his bottomless sleeves.

"That's not it, they're very good but..."

"Then take them," the white-haired man prompted, showering her with more and more sweets. Soon there was a pile high enough to hide behind it.

"I have to watch my line!" she blurted out.

"You?" Ukitake looked surprised. "Nonsense, Rangiku-san. You look absolutely beautiful. Why would you ever need to watch your line?"

"And how do you think I manage to look so beautiful?" she asked. "If I don't watch my figure, I'll turn into a fat ball. You'll have to roll me around if I eat all this."

"You'll still look beautiful," Jyuushirou assured her.

"I doubt you'd say that when you see me then." And she feared that it might happen sooner rather than later. She felt like her belt got shorter when she was getting dressed this morning. She had trouble tying her trademark bow on it. She hoped it only got shrunk in the washing machine, otherwise it would mean she was gaining weight.

"I'll still say you are beautiful," the white-haired captain assured her, adding a few more bags on the already enormous pile of candy. Then suddenly his cheerful expression turned into one of fear, his body shook and then he began coughing violently. Blood flew from his mouth, landing on Matsumoto, staining her shihakusho and her precious pink scarf. Some even dirtied her shining hair.

"Captain!" she exclaimed worriedly.

"It's nothing," Ukitake tried to dismiss his condition before being wracked by another violent coughing fit. All of Matsumoto's clothes were now covered in the warm red liquid, as she tried to hold him. What now? What was she supposed to do? She should help him, but how? She had no experience in treating such an illness.

The door burst open and in rushed the two overenthusiastic Third Seats.

"I'll help you, captain!" Sentarou shouted.

"No! I'll help you better!" Kiyone argued. In their rush to get to their beloved captain, they completely ignored Matsumoto, knocking her to the ground and running over her. She would have screamed, but Kotsubaki had knocked the wind out of her when he had stepped on her chest. That guy should really use to lose some weight, though with Ukitake's constant supply of candy it didn't seem very likely. And then Kotetsu decided to use her as Ukitake's pillow, which resulted in more blood being coughed into her clothes. And then the crazy girl used her precious scarf to wipe the blood of Ukitake's face. This new assignment was nothing like she had imagined.


	14. Epilogue

**Author's note:** Everything has to end once, and here comes the final chapter to this story. I hope it won't be a letdown for you. But don't despair, even if this story is listed as complete now, I'll still post some bonus material.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

Matsumoto was awakened from her sleep when somebody shook her shoulder none too gently. Her body felt stiff and sore and she was lying on something hard. Definitely not a surface meant to be slept on. She slowly cracked her eyes open. She was in her room, lying on the floorboards right next to her futon. Above her was the furious face of Captain Hitsugaya. Matsumoto had never been happier to see him.

"Awake now?" he asked accusingly. "Do you know what time is it?" She had no idea and she wasn't interested. She had her little cute slave-driver of a captain back and that was all that mattered. She grabbed him, pulled him down onto her and crushed him in her breasts. She heard his muffled shout of protests, but she had no intention of letting go. It occurred to her that if Hitsugaya-taichou didn't struggle so much, he would have made the perfect teddybear. With the thought, she closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep again. She was still tired.

Unfortunately her captain had a different plan. He managed to free himself from her grip and shouted at the top of his lungs right into her ear.

"MATSUMOTO!" She could not sleep when her ears ringed like that.

"Ah, taichou, do you have to be so loud in the morning?" she asked grumpily.

"It's already noon," he informed her icily.

"Still too early," she replied.

"Only for you," he retorted, his tone cold. And the air was getting colder as well. Soon it would be too uncomfortable to sleep. "Do you know what day it is?"

"Huh? Fourth?" she tried.

"Try again," he told her.

"Fifth?"

"Yes, fifth," he nodded. "And do you know what does that mean?"

"Uh..." she honestly had no idea and her brain was still too sleepy to come up with one. Despite the cold. "Tomorrow's going to be the sixth?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what?" She didn't want to play a guessing game, she wanted to climb onto her bed and sleep.

"It's the fukutaichou meeting," Hitsugaya informed her.

"Oh dear. Is it today?" she asked lazily.

"I believe I already said so. And do you know what time does it begin?"

"Uh... two PM?"

"Try again."

"Three?"

"It begins at noon," he corrected.

"Noon? Didn't you say it was noon?" she blinked owlishly. She was still too sleepy for such serious talk.

"Yes, Matsumoto," he confirmed with a nod. "And do you know what does that mean?"

"No?"

"That means you were already supposed to be there," he explained.

"Really?" She didn't want to go to any stupid fukutaichou meeting, she wanted to bury herself under the bedcovers and sleep in her soft, warm bed. Hitsugaya's reiatsu had made the room quite chilly by now.

"Yes, Matsumoto, really. I already got a Hell Butterfly from Sasakibe-fukutaichou asking where you were."

"You did?"

"Yes, I did. Again. And I'm getting tired of it. I'm getting tired of being scolded for your messes. So now get up, pick your papers and run to the meeting."

"But I can't go out looking like that," she protested. Surely he wouldn't make her show her face in public without makeup again. Wasn't the humiliation he put her through yesterday enough? Did he really have a lump of ice instead of a heart?

"You can and you will," he informed her in an icy tone. "And you'd better use shunpo to get there as fast as possible, or I'm going to drag you there kicking and screaming."

"You wouldn't do that, taichou," the busty woman replied unconcerned. Sure the little icicle was a slave-driver, but even he wasn't that cruel. Probably.

"Matsumoto, get up now," Hitsugaya commanded.

"Aw, taichou. Let me sleep for a bit. If I'm already late, it doesn't matter if I'm a little later." She laid down, uncaring that she was lying on the floor, and closed her eyes in an attempt to catch up on her sleep. But then she suddenly felt a pair of small arms grabbing her midsection. Her eyes snapped open.

"Aw, taichou, what are you doing?" she asked with panic as she was lifted in the air. Surely he wouldn't...

"Carrying you to the meeting. I warned you I'd do it," he answered and took off with a shunpo, dragging his protesting lieutenant along. Then he suddenly stopped, threw her through a door and took of again. Matsumoto groaned as she landed painfully on the floor. She sat up and looked around. She realized she was in the fukutaichou meeting hall, dressed in wrinkled, rumpled yesterday's clothes, her hair matted and tangled, her makeup smeared all over her face and there were eleven other fukutaichou staring at her like she had just grown a second head. Oh no. She was going to kill the brat. Or she was going to file for transfer right now. Any other captain was better. Well, except Kurotsuchi. And Kenpachi. And Tousen. And Yamamoto. And Sui-Feng. And Kuchiki. And Kyouraku. And Aizen. And Gin. And Komamura. And Ukitake. And Unohana. That left only... nobody. Curse it. Was there really no-one better than Hitsugaya? But it was only a stupid nightmare, wasn't it?


	15. extras

**Author's note:** As I promised, here I present some ideas that didn't make it to the final cut. I hope you like them as much as you did the original story. I might add some more later, but then again, I might not.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

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Matsumoto shrieked as sharp claws dug into the skin of her scalp. She grabbed the attacking creature by the scruff of its neck and dislodged it from her, alongside with a lot of her precious hair.

"Stop it already, you vile beast," she yelled at the black cat clawing at her forearm. "How many times do I have to tell you my head isn't your toy?" The feline's only answer was an angry hiss and an even more furious attempt to free itself.

"Matsumoto-fukutaichou!"Sui-Feng's angry voice nearly made her deaf. "What are you doing to Yoruichi II? Unhand her now!"

Rangiku knew that when her captain got like this, she should obey immediately. She let the cat go. The animal rewarded her by clawing at her face. Matsumoto screamed again, but didn't dare to do anything in front of Sui-Feng. The female captain caught her pet, inspecting it for wounds.

"You're lucky nothing happened to her," she grumbled. "But to remember not to do it again, from now on you'll be cleaning Yoruichi II's litterbox."

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"Why did you call in sick again, Matsumoto-fukutaichou?" Komamura asked.

"I can't *_cough* _help it _*sneeze*, _captain," Rangiku said wiping her nose.

"But it's all the time!" the big captain pointed out. Matsumoto looked at him with her bloodshot eyes.

"I'm _*sneeze* _really ill, _*sneeze.*_"

"I heard you were in a bar yesterday and you were alright," Komamura stated.

"I was _*cough* _alright yesterday, _*sneeze,* _but I'm _*sneeze* _ill today. _*cough* _Can't you see? *_Sneeze*_?" She looked at him so he could better appreciate her sickly appearance.

"I can. Why don't you visit the Fourth?"

"I did, _*sneeze*_." She wiped her nose. She frowned as she realized she was running out of tissues. She would have to restock again. It was the third time this week. By this rate, she was going to spend her whole salary on tissues.

"And they couldn't help you?"

"_*sneeze* _Only a little. _*cough*_"

"So what's wrong with you?"

"_*cough* _I'm allergic to dog fur."

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"You look pretty today, Rangiku-chan," Kyouraku stated staring into her cleavage. Matsumoto ignored it. With the Eight Division captain, it was a fact of life. There was nothing she could do to change it, no matter how it irked her. "But do you know what would make you even prettier?"

"What, taichou?" she asked. She would never miss a chance to make herself even more stunning.

"Glasses."

"Glasses?" she blinked in surprise.

"Glasses," he confirmed. "Girls with glasses are so much sexier."

"I don't need glasses," Rangiku pointed out.

"That doesn't matter, wear them anyway."

"I don't want to wear glasses."

"But it would make you even sexier," Shunsui insisted.

"I don't think so," she disagreed.

"Please wear them, Rangiku-chan," the pink-clad man begged.

"No."

"I insist."

"No," she shook her head resolutely.

"Do I have to make it an order?"

"You wouldn't do that." She hoped she was right, but with Kyouraku it was hard to tell.

"I would."

"I don't believe you."

"Watch me. Matsumoto-fukutaichou, you are hereby ordered to wear glasses."

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"Do you have it, Monkey face?"

"Of course, Booger-girl. Here it is. Right from the SRDI. What about you? Do you have it?"

"Of course. Here. See? Sister didn't even notice I took it. Let's do it."

"Yes. But where are we going to put it?"

"Do you have to ask, troll-face? The poison goes into her sake and the bomb under her bed. This is going to finish her off for sure."

"Yes. And Ukitake will be only ours forever."

"No skank will take our captain from us."

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"But I still don't know if I could afford it," Matsumoto said dejectedly, eyeing the absolutely beautiful dress while leaning forward to give the shopkeeper a better view of her cleavage. She suppressed a smile as she noticed him staring. _Just a little bit more and the marvelous little dress would be mine for less than a half its real price._

"Oh, that's a wonderful dress," A familiar voice sounded behind her. Matsumoto turned to see Yoruichi standing behind her, naked after transforming from her cat form. "Can I have it?"

"O-of course," the stuttering, blushing and staring shopkeeper practically threw the dress at her. Matsumoto sighed. It really sucked to have a captain who was sexier than her.

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Matsumoto was clinging for dear life to the dangerously thin tree branch, hissing angrily at the creature below. Komamura was sitting on all four below the tree, looking up at her, growling and barking. They couldn't help it. He was a dog and she was a cat inside.


	16. extras 2

**Author's note:** It took half a year, but I finally fulfilled my promise and wrote more extra scenes for this collection. It contains some captains people have been asking for. So read and enjoy.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

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Matsumoto's ears detected the sound of footsteps in the hallway. She quickly jumped from the sofa she had been lazing on, stuffed the jug of sake into her perfect hiding place and sat behind her desk, pretending to work on paperwork. Her captain really hated when she slacked off, so she had to be cunning and never get caught. Fortunately said captain was a slacker himself, so he wasn't around the office often.

She was the perfect picture of a diligent lieutenant when Hirako Shinji walked through the door.

"Hello, captain," Matsumoto greeted him with a bright smile.

"Hello, Rangiku," Shinji grinned back. Matsumoto didn't like his grin. It had too many teeth. "Working on the paperwork?"

"Yes," she nodded.

"Then what is this?" he asked and lifted the two filled and signed documents from the top of the finished pile, thus revealing the pile of unsigned, unfilled documents hiding under them.

"Huh?" Matsumoto tried to play innocent. "Did someone give me disappearing ink?"

"Don't play innocent with me, Rangiku. I know you were drinking. I'm going to confiscate your sake stock." Matsumoto didn't feel too perturbed. There was no way he'd find her new perfect secret stash. But then the captain walked right to her perfect secret stash and opened it. The woman could only stare.

"Since when did you know?" she asked.

"Since you were in your mother's womb."

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"You really look much better with the glasses, Rangiku-chan," Kyouraku smiled smugly.

"Hmph," Matsumoto said. She had put on the glasses only to make the captain finally shut up and planned on throwing them away and stomping on them after a minute. She already hated them that much.

"But do you know what would make you even prettier?" the pink-clad man asked rhetorically.

"What?" the lieutenant asked with dread. Whatever it was going to be, she was sure she was going to dislike it even more than the glasses.

"Dark hair." So she was right. She removed the glasses (she'd never think of them as her glasses) and threw them in Kyouraku's face.

"There's no way I'm dying my hair!"

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"Your captain's really kinky, isn't it?" a random shinigami asked her.

"How would I know?" Matsumoto shrugged.

"Ow, come on, don't tell me there's nothing going on between the two of you. You're so beautiful and he's so straightforward."

"There is nothing going on between me and my captain," Matsumoto answered, getting slightly irritated.

"Really?" that nosy person raised an eyebrow. "But you both just ooze sexy. He even has 69 tattooed on his chest. Is that his favorite position?"

"How would I know?" Matsumoto growled. "We aren't lovers."

"Don't get so angry. I was just asking."

"Everybody's just asking!" Matsumoto shouted. "You're the fourth today and the afternoon just began! Get lost before I lose my patience!" The random shinigami got scared by her reiatsu and ran. Matsumoto sighed. It wasn't Captain Muguruma who was the problem, no, he was a good leader. The problem was everybody else.

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A loud explosion rattled the barracks. Chips of paint broke off the ceiling and landed in Matsumoto's hair. She sighed. It would be a pain to get them all out. Combing out all the tiny bits from her hair always ruined her mood. So she decided to go and tell the reason of the explosion, her captain, who else, what exactly she thought about his antics. She marched through the corridors until she reached the door of his private quarters. She slammed them open resolutely, causing more paint to fall off the ceiling and land in her hair.

"What did you do now, Urahara?" she roared.

"Ah, Rangiku-san, fancy seeing you here," a smoking pile of something greeted her cheerfully. Upon close inspection in turned out that the pile was her captain, completely covered in soot, his clothes burnt and charred. Yet he seemed completely unperturbed by his current state and the state of the room, which looked just as bad as him.

"What did you do this time?" Matsumoto demanded angrily.

"I was just working on synthesizing a revolutionary brand of soap from Hollow bones and burned animal hides."

"So what was the explosion?"

"Well," Urahara scratched his head and smiled sheepishly, "I might have added too much ground Hollow masks."

"I still don't understand what caused the explosion," Matsumoto muttered.

"I don't either," Kisuke admitted.

"You said that the last time too," she huffed. "Did you already figure out what caused that pink smoke? That one that had completely bleached my hair?"

"Are you still bitter about that?" the inventor whined. "I gave you the shampoo to restore your hair color."

"It turned my hair green," she reminded him.

"So it took two tries before I got it right," Urahara shrugged. "It's no big deal."

"No big deal? I had to walk around with neon green hair for three days!"

"As I said, no big deal," the captain stated. "I once created a purple smoke that caused all my hair to fall out. It took me a year to figure out how to make them grow back."

"Bald for a year?" Matsumoto whispered in terror. She couldn't imagine being bald for a year. "Dammit, Urahara, why do you have to do your crazy experiments in the barracks?"

"Because I love messing with you."


End file.
